Good Mom vs Good Career

Saturday 27 October 2018

I'm in the middle of Season 10 of Grey's Anatomy now. I know... I'm kind of late to the game and never really understood the craze but I'm definitely on board now. Anyway, I just passed the episodes where Meredith was feeling like she had to prove that she was a good surgeon despite being a mom. Sometimes it's really odd when things around you mirror your exact feelings be it a song or a movie or in this case... a popular medical series.

Ever since I had my son, I've felt the need to prove to people at work that I can do my job well despite having to go to doctor's appointments during office hours and what not. This on top of feeling like I have to prove that I'm not a bimbo airhead who's into fashion and beauty only. I've cried myself to sleep, had anxiety attacks and felt a little down... all because I feel like I'm not up to a certain standard or on par with people who can work after hours and read emails at 9PM (in a work environment that I feel penalizes those who don't btw). I've dialed down my social media presence enough so I can give in extra hours to do work but not enough for brands to stop working with me. 

You want to know what's more ridiculous? My work guilt is sometimes bigger than my mom guilt... which in turn makes me feel more guilty because I feel like such a horrible mom! When my team stays late til 7PM... I feel more guilty leaving them than I do not spending time with my baby... MY BABY?! My baby who's growing up too fast and sooner or later will not want to spend time with me. What is the matter with me?

The feminist in me also refuses to back down at the office because for years people fought for our rights and we're now able to go to work and earn money for ourselves. I loathe every time I hear someone make 'maternity leave' as an excuse. Like... oh we need more men in the workforce because women go on maternity leave for three months. I'm going to leave it at that now because that's a topic all on it's own. But anyway working moms, I want you to know that you are not alone. The point of this post is to let you know that we're all in this together.

I still go through these phases... but I haven't given up at work. I do everything I can and as much as I can when I'm on my desk. But I try really hard to allocate my time after hours (6.30PM max at the office) and during weekends for my family. I don't do work when I'm at home or when I'm on leave. I don't beat myself up every time I feel I'm a bit behind because of it. I get up... and catch up and move on. I just needed to stop doing that to myself. 

There's that quote... I forget. But it was about... setting your priorities straight. It was about... giving people the time they deserved. It was about... putting time and effort with your family. The quote was about choosing between your career and the people you love. It reminded me that while your job can replace you in a second, your son looks at you like you're the best thing on the planet and you're irreplaceable.

As much as we want to give 100% to both motherhood and our careers... we only have 100% to give. I still have my daily battles but I think I'm winning. I just need to make sure I still perform at work, I'm on top of things, I'm able to solve problems... and if it seems like my colleagues are better than me because they can give their full 100% at their job and do work til 11PM... I'm not going to feel like I'm inadequate. I'm not going to blame motherhood or myself. I may cry... But I'll still kick ass the next day.

Tell me I'm not alone.


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