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So I've been asked a question a few times too many on whether I receive hate and what I do about it? Well yes, I'm sure I do--I recently had a conversation with someone who actually told me she knew me through her cousin who was mocking my Instagram page (??). I've once had someone comment 'sekadar' on one of my photos where I was genuinely feeling FOMO that I couldn't attend an event. Oh! I've even had a keyboard warrior saying how my face is ugly and square. (Cheers bro, let me see this beautiful perfectly-shaped face of yours.)


More recently, someone on Reddit was saying how he/she was sick and tired of my FashionValet outfits at Empire beach and how I wasn't as inspiring as someone who was creating awareness for a condition or as someone who was more vocal in terms of her opinions. First of all, totally agree with that person, I'm also sick and tired of my photos at Empire. I just can't think of other places most of the time and Empire is a nice place. Secondly, I love those girls you mentioned. I love listening to what they have to say and I of course look up to those who create public awareness for serious things that happen around us. But... for someone who talks strongly about inspiring... why do you have the need to take others down and discredit them for what they do?

I suppose we're all different and we all get annoyed about something, so we're all bound to dislike someone. Maybe if I meet the people who mock me, we wouldn't get along anyway because our interests are different, you know? But it always amazes me how we can just hate a person we don't know... or invade someone's sanctuary by spreading negativity on their social media page. I'm no saint, don't get me wrong. It's a reminder for myself, first and foremost. But... the things people say... (are) horrible.

I was upset with something one day and I had all these ugly things to say but as I was scrolling through my gram feed, a quote made me feel better... Always be kinder than you feel. I think that's more realistic don't you think? You can't control what you feel, but you can always choose to be kind. You may dislike or get annoyed or don't understand the choices other people make, but you can always choose to play nice.

How do I deal with the hate? It used to get to me, I won't lie. I mean, I'm only human and it does not feel nice to hear all the things people say (and these are the ones I hear and read... does not include those said behind my back). I cannot imagine how public figures can stand the amount of hate they get everyday. I mean the things you find on the internet are incredibly dreadful! I only receive... a tiny speck of it and I think at one point I already contemplated whether I should continue or not. But Alhamdulillah I'm grateful for all the doors that have opened for me. 

Today.. it still gets me a little but only for a second and then I shrug it off. It's really impossible to please everyone. After a while, you realise that what matters is you and what makes you happy, your family, your friends, your health, your sanity, your emotional wellbeing, your faith, your dreams, your life. Once you set your mind, there's no turning back.

Dear reader, I hope you never let anyone stop you from dreaming and becoming whatever it is you want to be. And if they do, and mock your photos, or posing, or clothes, or face, I hope you always choose to be kind. I know it's hard but I'm working on it too.

Love,

Dealing with Hate

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

So I've been asked a question a few times too many on whether I receive hate and what I do about it? Well yes, I'm sure I do--I recently had a conversation with someone who actually told me she knew me through her cousin who was mocking my Instagram page (??). I've once had someone comment 'sekadar' on one of my photos where I was genuinely feeling FOMO that I couldn't attend an event. Oh! I've even had a keyboard warrior saying how my face is ugly and square. (Cheers bro, let me see this beautiful perfectly-shaped face of yours.)


More recently, someone on Reddit was saying how he/she was sick and tired of my FashionValet outfits at Empire beach and how I wasn't as inspiring as someone who was creating awareness for a condition or as someone who was more vocal in terms of her opinions. First of all, totally agree with that person, I'm also sick and tired of my photos at Empire. I just can't think of other places most of the time and Empire is a nice place. Secondly, I love those girls you mentioned. I love listening to what they have to say and I of course look up to those who create public awareness for serious things that happen around us. But... for someone who talks strongly about inspiring... why do you have the need to take others down and discredit them for what they do?

I suppose we're all different and we all get annoyed about something, so we're all bound to dislike someone. Maybe if I meet the people who mock me, we wouldn't get along anyway because our interests are different, you know? But it always amazes me how we can just hate a person we don't know... or invade someone's sanctuary by spreading negativity on their social media page. I'm no saint, don't get me wrong. It's a reminder for myself, first and foremost. But... the things people say... (are) horrible.

I was upset with something one day and I had all these ugly things to say but as I was scrolling through my gram feed, a quote made me feel better... Always be kinder than you feel. I think that's more realistic don't you think? You can't control what you feel, but you can always choose to be kind. You may dislike or get annoyed or don't understand the choices other people make, but you can always choose to play nice.

How do I deal with the hate? It used to get to me, I won't lie. I mean, I'm only human and it does not feel nice to hear all the things people say (and these are the ones I hear and read... does not include those said behind my back). I cannot imagine how public figures can stand the amount of hate they get everyday. I mean the things you find on the internet are incredibly dreadful! I only receive... a tiny speck of it and I think at one point I already contemplated whether I should continue or not. But Alhamdulillah I'm grateful for all the doors that have opened for me. 

Today.. it still gets me a little but only for a second and then I shrug it off. It's really impossible to please everyone. After a while, you realise that what matters is you and what makes you happy, your family, your friends, your health, your sanity, your emotional wellbeing, your faith, your dreams, your life. Once you set your mind, there's no turning back.

Dear reader, I hope you never let anyone stop you from dreaming and becoming whatever it is you want to be. And if they do, and mock your photos, or posing, or clothes, or face, I hope you always choose to be kind. I know it's hard but I'm working on it too.

Love,

The plan was to blog more frequently this year but to be honest with you I've been stuck in a giant rut. I've been feeling a little blue since December because I feel like my life's been stagnant. Nothing was inspiring me. I am usually the type to be excited about things but I wasn't. I wasn't excited to wake up every morning. I wasn't happy with some things at work or LMN.  I felt like a dead fish--the type that just goes with the flow. And when I feel that way, I get agitated and anxious. I felt... oddly settled. You know the feeling of being settled is really unsettling?



It's probably a Gen Y a.k.a. millennials thing. We search for meaning in whatever we do. We want to feel satisfied and like we've achieved something. We crave for recognition and tight bonds be it between colleagues or friends. Although... so many mistaken it for ungratefulness, disloyalty to the organization, narcissism, obsessed with instant gratification, laziness, lack of professionalism... and all the negative connotations you've heard and read. Sigh. Anyway, for the past few months, I lost my meaning. I wasn't satisfied with everything. I didn't feel like I achieved anything at all. I just merely existed... but that was all. Two words--panic attack.

You know, happiness is a state of mind. You have full control of whether or not you want to be happy. I am happy but I'm not content. I want bigger and greater things like everyone else. I want meaning in what I do. I want to achieve something. I want full satisfaction with my career as well as with LMN. 


In the end, I think it happened for reason. I needed a break. I needed to take a step back and figure out what I really wanted. I had time to just focus on something that I've been working on for a while but never got a chance to push out. I wanted to create. Yes, there are a billion over brands who want the same thing. Yes, I may fail. But I'd rather try than be stagnant.  I'm so nervous/afraid/excited for the launch of LMN.

Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.

LMN's first capsule collection, called Elements, is made up of 10 designs. It's inspired by architectural elements of spirals and stairs and embodies both the strength and fragility of women. There are long dresses, short dresses, a jumpsuit, tops, skirts and a pair of pants. The talented designer and my good friend Maricel Pamintuan has been the greatest consultant throughout this whole journey. She's so inspiring and a beautiful human being and I love her to bits! As Elements is my debut, it will be a small one i.e. there will only be three pieces for each design. But I'll update you more on it soon!


Love,

Feeling stagnant, millennials and a little bit about LMN

Saturday, 3 March 2018

The plan was to blog more frequently this year but to be honest with you I've been stuck in a giant rut. I've been feeling a little blue since December because I feel like my life's been stagnant. Nothing was inspiring me. I am usually the type to be excited about things but I wasn't. I wasn't excited to wake up every morning. I wasn't happy with some things at work or LMN.  I felt like a dead fish--the type that just goes with the flow. And when I feel that way, I get agitated and anxious. I felt... oddly settled. You know the feeling of being settled is really unsettling?



It's probably a Gen Y a.k.a. millennials thing. We search for meaning in whatever we do. We want to feel satisfied and like we've achieved something. We crave for recognition and tight bonds be it between colleagues or friends. Although... so many mistaken it for ungratefulness, disloyalty to the organization, narcissism, obsessed with instant gratification, laziness, lack of professionalism... and all the negative connotations you've heard and read. Sigh. Anyway, for the past few months, I lost my meaning. I wasn't satisfied with everything. I didn't feel like I achieved anything at all. I just merely existed... but that was all. Two words--panic attack.

You know, happiness is a state of mind. You have full control of whether or not you want to be happy. I am happy but I'm not content. I want bigger and greater things like everyone else. I want meaning in what I do. I want to achieve something. I want full satisfaction with my career as well as with LMN. 


In the end, I think it happened for reason. I needed a break. I needed to take a step back and figure out what I really wanted. I had time to just focus on something that I've been working on for a while but never got a chance to push out. I wanted to create. Yes, there are a billion over brands who want the same thing. Yes, I may fail. But I'd rather try than be stagnant.  I'm so nervous/afraid/excited for the launch of LMN.

Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.

LMN's first capsule collection, called Elements, is made up of 10 designs. It's inspired by architectural elements of spirals and stairs and embodies both the strength and fragility of women. There are long dresses, short dresses, a jumpsuit, tops, skirts and a pair of pants. The talented designer and my good friend Maricel Pamintuan has been the greatest consultant throughout this whole journey. She's so inspiring and a beautiful human being and I love her to bits! As Elements is my debut, it will be a small one i.e. there will only be three pieces for each design. But I'll update you more on it soon!


Love,

Happy 2018, LMN readers! I knew I wanted my first post to be a reflection of the previous year. Looking back over the past 12 months, it certainly has been an eventful one and I came out stronger, more patient (relatively speaking... I'm still as impatient as a full-bladder in a long queue to the bathroom) and unafraid. Here's what 2017 taught me:





1. Trust His timing.
I know my baby boy came at the right time. I always questioned why we were going through what we went through but I know now... that we should always just be patient. He knows when is the best time to answer our prayers. It will not come any sooner or any later. In the four years we shared pre-Umair, we had amazing holidays, did fun things together and had each other's undivided attention everyday. There were highs and lows... and we went through all that together, just us two. I wouldn't change it for the world and I'll always cherish those four years when we were just Hazim and Nabeela.

2. Time heals all things.
A broken heart. A severed relationship. A torn friendship. A betrayal. As much as we force ourselves to be okay and however painful it was... we just have to ride it out and sooner or later, the wound will heal over time. You won't be the same person--no. But you will be set free from anger and resentment. You will be stronger. And then you will look back and wonder why you thought you would never get out of this rut in the first place.

3. Self-love and self-respect.
Knowing your own value and worth is important. I've had a few instances where people hurt me or tried to bring me down or I felt that I wasn't being respected. I used to just pretend that I was okay with everything but I think after 27 years, it was time for me to learn how to walk away from people who didn't deserve my time, to speak my mind even if my voice shakes, to ignore the unpleasant comments and to surround myself with positive people who make me laugh. 

4. Ask Instagram anything.
I love asking questions on IG because people are so helpful! The response to breastfeeding tips and motherhood really helped me a lot! Also, when I wrote Maktub, so many people reached out to me and gave advice and sweet messages that lifted my spirits up. That's not all! After Umair came into our lives, I've spoken to so many adoptive parents and couples who wish to adopt. We share experiences and give each other support... I don't think I would have had those special conversations without this platform.

5.  Be kinder than what you feel.
I don't know if it's age but my short temper has been shorter this year. There were a couple of times I reacted instantly and said things I regretted the moment the words left my mouth. Although I meant what I said, I wish I had relayed the same message in a kinder and calmer tone. 

All in all, I am very grateful for 2017. I've had wonderful opportunities from being a mom to being a judge at AARRDS 2017 and to being featured (okay... one sentence) on an article on CNN. Alhamdulillah.

Here's to another year of learning and reinventing myself to become the person I was meant to be! So... what did 2017 teach you?


Love,

What 2017 Taught Me

Thursday, 4 January 2018

Happy 2018, LMN readers! I knew I wanted my first post to be a reflection of the previous year. Looking back over the past 12 months, it certainly has been an eventful one and I came out stronger, more patient (relatively speaking... I'm still as impatient as a full-bladder in a long queue to the bathroom) and unafraid. Here's what 2017 taught me:





1. Trust His timing.
I know my baby boy came at the right time. I always questioned why we were going through what we went through but I know now... that we should always just be patient. He knows when is the best time to answer our prayers. It will not come any sooner or any later. In the four years we shared pre-Umair, we had amazing holidays, did fun things together and had each other's undivided attention everyday. There were highs and lows... and we went through all that together, just us two. I wouldn't change it for the world and I'll always cherish those four years when we were just Hazim and Nabeela.

2. Time heals all things.
A broken heart. A severed relationship. A torn friendship. A betrayal. As much as we force ourselves to be okay and however painful it was... we just have to ride it out and sooner or later, the wound will heal over time. You won't be the same person--no. But you will be set free from anger and resentment. You will be stronger. And then you will look back and wonder why you thought you would never get out of this rut in the first place.

3. Self-love and self-respect.
Knowing your own value and worth is important. I've had a few instances where people hurt me or tried to bring me down or I felt that I wasn't being respected. I used to just pretend that I was okay with everything but I think after 27 years, it was time for me to learn how to walk away from people who didn't deserve my time, to speak my mind even if my voice shakes, to ignore the unpleasant comments and to surround myself with positive people who make me laugh. 

4. Ask Instagram anything.
I love asking questions on IG because people are so helpful! The response to breastfeeding tips and motherhood really helped me a lot! Also, when I wrote Maktub, so many people reached out to me and gave advice and sweet messages that lifted my spirits up. That's not all! After Umair came into our lives, I've spoken to so many adoptive parents and couples who wish to adopt. We share experiences and give each other support... I don't think I would have had those special conversations without this platform.

5.  Be kinder than what you feel.
I don't know if it's age but my short temper has been shorter this year. There were a couple of times I reacted instantly and said things I regretted the moment the words left my mouth. Although I meant what I said, I wish I had relayed the same message in a kinder and calmer tone. 

All in all, I am very grateful for 2017. I've had wonderful opportunities from being a mom to being a judge at AARRDS 2017 and to being featured (okay... one sentence) on an article on CNN. Alhamdulillah.

Here's to another year of learning and reinventing myself to become the person I was meant to be! So... what did 2017 teach you?


Love,


I've been a huge iPhone fan since the first release back in 2007. I had the first iPhone, 4S, 6 Plus and I now own the 8 Plus (we'll get to that in a minute). I'm sure there are other cool phones in the market but after years of being so accustomed to the system, there's just no turning back. This morning I played around with the iPhone X at the iPhone X Launch Lounge and got pretty annoyed because I wanted to hate it. Unfortunately, it's a pretty cool gadget that I wish I had waited for!

Last week, I asked my followers which iPhone I should get and the clear winner was the X... by a mile. You'll know why I bought the 8 Plus in a minute but first let's talk about the contract plans!
So if you're already on the Prima plan, these deals seem really great! HOWEVER, there's a catch--the data! I'm already on the 7GB BND55 monthly plan and the downgrade to 5GB would be expensive for me in the long run because even 7GB sometimes isn't enough for me! My mother, on the other hand, is still on the 5GB BND55 plan so she would definitely enjoy the iPhone X at BND1,446! I could get an upgrade to the 9GB BND85 plan but I'd rather limit myself to BND55 a month and probably purchase the 3GB/7GB top up to spread over two months, ya know?


That being said, let me tell you why I gushed over the new generation iPhone!

1. The crystal clear display of the iPhone X seems... almost fake and I say this in awe! It's just too clear to be true!

iPhone X vs iPhone 8 Plus

2. Let's be real--the new look is pretty sexy. My iPhone 8 Plus just looks like my old 6 Plus but with a much better camera and a cooler back.


3. Portrait mode for selfies--not available on the 8 Plus.

4. Animoji... I feel like if this becomes the next big thing I'm going to experience chronic FOMO. But will it become a thing?



The iPhone X also has the Face ID which I tried and thought was pretty cool but it isn't a selling point for me. I'm pretty content with Touch ID but I also cannot imagine all the greater things that will come with that kind of technology. And although the 8 Plus has the dual camera, I read that the iPhone X has a slight edge which you can read here and here.

Despite all the gushing, I had to let this one go because buying the phone itself  without the contract plan would have costed me around BND2k. If you're able to get it overseas, it's much cheaper but sadly, my 6 Plus decided to break down on me and I needed a phone pronto!

1st iPhone Customer: Ricky Chua
Not going to lie... I felt really jealous of all the people who managed to get their X's today. They queued up from 6.30AM anddd the lovely DST management (including CEO, Mr. Suhaimi Hussain) cheered and celebrated each customer. I expect stores to celebrate like that every time I shop now. FV. Zara. Yatta. Cult Beauty. Shell station. Yep! I want the whole she-bang every time I spend cash somewhere haha! First 50 customers were also given DST vouchers worth BND100 together with iTunes gift cards worth USD15. How lucky!  

Hello Ma. You want to buy an iPhone X and swap it with my 8 Plus? (She said no)
After shaking off my sadness, I feel pretty good about my 8 Plus. I am loving the size, the camera is still pretty neat and I spent BND400 less than if I were to get an X. (Also, Hazim's X will arrive soon and I'll have another chance to negotiate a swap?)

All-in-all, I really enjoyed this morning. Had some Little Gourmet, Gong Cha, Magnum and Coffee Bean, and really loved seeing all the happy faces from their purchases. I TOTALLY GET THAT FEELING, PEOPLE. Also, a big thank you to DST. You always know how to have a good time!


Love,


DST iPhone X Launch

Monday, 4 December 2017


I've been a huge iPhone fan since the first release back in 2007. I had the first iPhone, 4S, 6 Plus and I now own the 8 Plus (we'll get to that in a minute). I'm sure there are other cool phones in the market but after years of being so accustomed to the system, there's just no turning back. This morning I played around with the iPhone X at the iPhone X Launch Lounge and got pretty annoyed because I wanted to hate it. Unfortunately, it's a pretty cool gadget that I wish I had waited for!

Last week, I asked my followers which iPhone I should get and the clear winner was the X... by a mile. You'll know why I bought the 8 Plus in a minute but first let's talk about the contract plans!
So if you're already on the Prima plan, these deals seem really great! HOWEVER, there's a catch--the data! I'm already on the 7GB BND55 monthly plan and the downgrade to 5GB would be expensive for me in the long run because even 7GB sometimes isn't enough for me! My mother, on the other hand, is still on the 5GB BND55 plan so she would definitely enjoy the iPhone X at BND1,446! I could get an upgrade to the 9GB BND85 plan but I'd rather limit myself to BND55 a month and probably purchase the 3GB/7GB top up to spread over two months, ya know?


That being said, let me tell you why I gushed over the new generation iPhone!

1. The crystal clear display of the iPhone X seems... almost fake and I say this in awe! It's just too clear to be true!

iPhone X vs iPhone 8 Plus

2. Let's be real--the new look is pretty sexy. My iPhone 8 Plus just looks like my old 6 Plus but with a much better camera and a cooler back.


3. Portrait mode for selfies--not available on the 8 Plus.

4. Animoji... I feel like if this becomes the next big thing I'm going to experience chronic FOMO. But will it become a thing?



The iPhone X also has the Face ID which I tried and thought was pretty cool but it isn't a selling point for me. I'm pretty content with Touch ID but I also cannot imagine all the greater things that will come with that kind of technology. And although the 8 Plus has the dual camera, I read that the iPhone X has a slight edge which you can read here and here.

Despite all the gushing, I had to let this one go because buying the phone itself  without the contract plan would have costed me around BND2k. If you're able to get it overseas, it's much cheaper but sadly, my 6 Plus decided to break down on me and I needed a phone pronto!

1st iPhone Customer: Ricky Chua
Not going to lie... I felt really jealous of all the people who managed to get their X's today. They queued up from 6.30AM anddd the lovely DST management (including CEO, Mr. Suhaimi Hussain) cheered and celebrated each customer. I expect stores to celebrate like that every time I shop now. FV. Zara. Yatta. Cult Beauty. Shell station. Yep! I want the whole she-bang every time I spend cash somewhere haha! First 50 customers were also given DST vouchers worth BND100 together with iTunes gift cards worth USD15. How lucky!  

Hello Ma. You want to buy an iPhone X and swap it with my 8 Plus? (She said no)
After shaking off my sadness, I feel pretty good about my 8 Plus. I am loving the size, the camera is still pretty neat and I spent BND400 less than if I were to get an X. (Also, Hazim's X will arrive soon and I'll have another chance to negotiate a swap?)

All-in-all, I really enjoyed this morning. Had some Little Gourmet, Gong Cha, Magnum and Coffee Bean, and really loved seeing all the happy faces from their purchases. I TOTALLY GET THAT FEELING, PEOPLE. Also, a big thank you to DST. You always know how to have a good time!


Love,


Where do I even begin?

We were outside the labour room (im)patiently waiting to be called. Excited. Scared. Unprepared. Elated. Could this really be our time? We received the call on the way to work one Tuesday morning. Hazim and I looked at each other and we didn't have to say anything. He knew I was excited, the same way I knew he was. It was quite a bit of a wait... but around 3PM... I was called in. Our son was born and I was about to meet him. The walk was a blur but I remember trembling. I couldn't put on my shoe covers because my hands were shaking. I remember the receptionist acknowledging it with pitiful endearment. She was nice. 



I was getting closer and closer to the room. When the receptionist showed me in... I saw him. Red. Wrinkly. Wrapped up in a blue towel. Breathtakingly gorgeous. First thing I did was take his photo and send it to Hazim because I wanted to share that moment with him not a second later. He teared up outside and had to wait another hour to meet him. I stayed inside... staring into this beautiful angel that was sent to us in an unconventional way. I smiled. Because strangely... he looked so much like Hazim. How incredibly amazing was that? "Mommy's here now..." I said with tears in my eyes. The same moment birthmom started a conversation with me. So I quickly dried up my eyes and checked up on her. (She's a wonderful person... but I think that story is a conversation I need to have with Umair first so I won't be sharing it for the time being.) 

I don't think I've believed in the statement 'God has a reason for everything' as much as I do now. For all those times we were heartbroken--Umair was the answer to everything and he is definitely worth the wait. A lot of people have said that Umair was lucky to have us when the truth is... we are the lucky ones. God had gifted us our beautiful son and nothing... nothing can ever compare with this greatest blessing.

I stayed by Umair's side from Day 1. Two days sleeping on the couch at the hospital is something. Two days of not showering is another. I held him until my arm wanted to fall off but even then I didn't want to put him down. I was so in love. I am still in love and I cannot imagine a day where I won't be. Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him with tears in my eyes. He has brought us so much joy and happiness that nothing else in this world seems to matter. 

40 days later, he's now 5kgs and we have enjoyed every single second of parenthood. I've managed to lactate soon after he was born after being on pills three weeks before that. I've fed him three times with my own breastmilk already (I'm only able to pump 1-2 oz a day but I am still very grateful for it), Alhamdulillah, and I'm (calmingly) trying to get my supply up. Thank you to those who have shared tips and advice! He's peed and pooped many times on us. He makes the most adorable coo-ing sound when he loses a sneeze. He loves being held and gets hungry every 2 hours. His smile is the most beautiful thing we've ever seen. 

I used to think I wouldn't be a good mom. I was never a fan of children and I know that I can be very selfish. I loved my world--one where I only had to think about me. But 40 days of being a mom have taught me that... I absolutely love being one and it wouldn't be my world without Umair in it. It made me realise that I was able to put someone else's needs before mine. It made me realise that I was stronger than I thought I was... mentally and physically (my arms don't feel like falling off anymore). It made me realise the love I have around me. I never knew I could love anyone this much. I'm learning more about myself as I do about him and his daddy (Hazim is a wonderful dad and more) every day. It's been 40 days. We cannot wait for more. 


Love,



40 Days A Mom

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Where do I even begin?

We were outside the labour room (im)patiently waiting to be called. Excited. Scared. Unprepared. Elated. Could this really be our time? We received the call on the way to work one Tuesday morning. Hazim and I looked at each other and we didn't have to say anything. He knew I was excited, the same way I knew he was. It was quite a bit of a wait... but around 3PM... I was called in. Our son was born and I was about to meet him. The walk was a blur but I remember trembling. I couldn't put on my shoe covers because my hands were shaking. I remember the receptionist acknowledging it with pitiful endearment. She was nice. 



I was getting closer and closer to the room. When the receptionist showed me in... I saw him. Red. Wrinkly. Wrapped up in a blue towel. Breathtakingly gorgeous. First thing I did was take his photo and send it to Hazim because I wanted to share that moment with him not a second later. He teared up outside and had to wait another hour to meet him. I stayed inside... staring into this beautiful angel that was sent to us in an unconventional way. I smiled. Because strangely... he looked so much like Hazim. How incredibly amazing was that? "Mommy's here now..." I said with tears in my eyes. The same moment birthmom started a conversation with me. So I quickly dried up my eyes and checked up on her. (She's a wonderful person... but I think that story is a conversation I need to have with Umair first so I won't be sharing it for the time being.) 

I don't think I've believed in the statement 'God has a reason for everything' as much as I do now. For all those times we were heartbroken--Umair was the answer to everything and he is definitely worth the wait. A lot of people have said that Umair was lucky to have us when the truth is... we are the lucky ones. God had gifted us our beautiful son and nothing... nothing can ever compare with this greatest blessing.

I stayed by Umair's side from Day 1. Two days sleeping on the couch at the hospital is something. Two days of not showering is another. I held him until my arm wanted to fall off but even then I didn't want to put him down. I was so in love. I am still in love and I cannot imagine a day where I won't be. Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him with tears in my eyes. He has brought us so much joy and happiness that nothing else in this world seems to matter. 

40 days later, he's now 5kgs and we have enjoyed every single second of parenthood. I've managed to lactate soon after he was born after being on pills three weeks before that. I've fed him three times with my own breastmilk already (I'm only able to pump 1-2 oz a day but I am still very grateful for it), Alhamdulillah, and I'm (calmingly) trying to get my supply up. Thank you to those who have shared tips and advice! He's peed and pooped many times on us. He makes the most adorable coo-ing sound when he loses a sneeze. He loves being held and gets hungry every 2 hours. His smile is the most beautiful thing we've ever seen. 

I used to think I wouldn't be a good mom. I was never a fan of children and I know that I can be very selfish. I loved my world--one where I only had to think about me. But 40 days of being a mom have taught me that... I absolutely love being one and it wouldn't be my world without Umair in it. It made me realise that I was able to put someone else's needs before mine. It made me realise that I was stronger than I thought I was... mentally and physically (my arms don't feel like falling off anymore). It made me realise the love I have around me. I never knew I could love anyone this much. I'm learning more about myself as I do about him and his daddy (Hazim is a wonderful dad and more) every day. It's been 40 days. We cannot wait for more. 


Love,



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