Maktub: Enchanted

Monday 3 July 2017

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

On the last day of Ramadhan, Hazim and I were going to be parents to a beautiful baby girl. Our hearts, even though we tried to contain it as we knew that adoption was a complicated matter, couldn't help but burst into joy and tears. The day was finally here! It was an Eid Miracle! You know... I was always afraid... afraid that Hazim and I would never feel the bond normal couples feel when you first find out you're expecting but at that point, we knew... it was the same kind of euphoria. 

At that point, we thought the baby was confirmed to be ours and that all we needed to do was go to the hospital and bring home our baby. We knew at about noon and we were asked to go to the hospital at 2PM to meet the mother and her employer. We were ecstatic and overjoyed... I can't put it to words how happy we were. We also kept telling ourselves to not get our hopes up because... anything could have happened until the baby was legally ours. But... how do you contain happiness when it has been patient? How do you tell your heart to not have hope when it has been shattered?

The meeting time kept shifting... until we arrived at the hospital and met the employer at around 4PM. Again, my heart fluttered because we were one step closer to being a family of three. But of course, not all stories have happy endings. And of course, it had to be our story. The employer informed us that she did not want to give it away anymore and wanted to keep the baby for herself because she felt it was entrusted upon her by her late husband. I think at that point I laughed a little inside... of course this was happening to us. And then after a few minutes (the employer was still going on and on about... god knows what because I stopped listening and fazed out after I realised I was not going to be a mom that day), I started crying. Uncontrollably. My heart was broken all over again. I felt angry. I felt that it was all unnecessary. I felt exhausted. I felt... so many things. I felt confused! What was life trying to teach me?

We were brought to see the baby and I was... omg. The word 'shattered' just doesn't do it. I felt like Miley Cyrus came with a wrecking ball inside my stomach. I didn't want to hold her because I knew I would have died inside. So we headed back home. Both of us silent in the car. I don't know what was going on in Hazim's head, but I was... trying to register what just happened. I cried. I screamed. I stopped and told myself it wasn't meant to be. I felt better. I cried again. Screamed some more. It was just that until.... midnight. Until I fell asleep.

The next day, I fell ill. I did not have a great raya to be honest. We were in some sort of trance where our hearts had not healed but life went on without us. When I remember the event that happened the day before... I just... I don't know what to feel. I was happy... for a good few hours and then it instantly came crashing down and became one of the worst days I had to experience. It was as if we relived that day the doctor told us we could not have children.

On top of all that, I had heard that the baby was given away to someone else. [Edit: I found out who her new parents were and I think her new mom is perfect for her]. Let's just pray that the baby girl, who I fell in love with when I first laid eyes on her, is well taken care of and will live this amazing life she deserves. I hope she grows up into a fine young lady and gets the best education she can get. I hope her new parents will love her exceptionally. 

But you know what else I realised? Well, someone made me realise it. Hazim is a loving, caring, soft-spoken, kind, generous man who supports me fully and makes my dreams come true, as cheesy as it sounds. A baby would just be an additional bonus. In a thousand lifetimes, it would always be him. So, Alhamdulillah, I got to spend another Ramadhan and another Syawal with the love of my life. But baby girl, we were enchanted to meet you.



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I didn't know you personally but what you have been through from the post must have been very heartbreaking ;(. But one thing for sure is that Allah is testing you my dear <3 Be patient as the rewards of it are endless <3 Allah will surely replace whatever you lose with something that is even more great and beautiful :) so never lose hope and faith. May Allah will always bless you and your husband! And may Allah grants you a child that become coolness to the eyes Ameen :)


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